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| DONE with the exam. now i can reclaim my life back. cut my hair, lose some weight, sleep in on my days off without worrying about anything, get to writing some music.
i feel relieved. like i took a huge ass dump. i think it went ok. a lot of random questions about stuff i never really heard of. orlistat? giant cell arteritis? what the hell are these made up diseases and drug names. i don't know dude. i think i narrowed down choices pretty well though, but i think that's all i have to my credit.
i dunno. even with a bcpslololbbq at the end of my name i still question my ability to be a clinician. today i got reamed because i chose once daily lovenox vs twice daily, which i thought were pretty much the same given normal labs. i think i just like to be helpful and dislike to disagree with people. is there a job where you just say yes a lot? a yesman? a secretary? haha. people use that job as usually the most demeaning type of work, but isn't there high value in being a helping hand? making sure all the gears are turning? jotting down messages? making coffee? indulging in an affair with the boss? or maybe i have that confused with sexetary.... i dunno..
part of the BCPS was pharmacoeconomic analysis. as a throwback to my studies in analysis of cost/benefit, i will present the outcome of my 3-4 months of studying in the most economic fashion of gains vs losses.
gained - 10-15 lbs of centrally distributed fat especially including ass fat
lost - a button that exploded off my favorite H&M skinny pants when i tried to put them on, and thus the pair of pants
gained - more hair, probably 5-10x the length of my normal
lost - friends, the ones who really really disliked my long hair phase
gained - intimate knowledge of our cafeteria burritos. the best to get is spanish rice, with black beans, filled with half carnitas half vegetarian (bell peppers!!!) and hot sauce.
lost - nothing!
gained - caffeine addiction
lost - $3-5 per visit to starbucks x 2-3 visits/wk x 3 months = around $150 bucks worth of coffee and misc terrible coffeehouse food :(
gained - pharmacy knowledge, things that i can use on rounds
lost - time used for studying, some sanity
a huge gain was that i was brought back to pharmacy school times when i listened to a lot of music while studying. i got reacquainted with my old cds.... some real gems including boyz ii men evolution (don't judge me!!), sufjan steven illinoise, minus the bear menos el oso, brand new DAGARIOM, notwist neon golden.
worth it? i think so.
will i try again next year if i don't pass? probably not.
thanks everyone for all your support! it was tough times but i couldn't have done it without my friends and family understanding and pushing me through. i came home after the exam and my dad said he stayed home and prayed for me hour by hour until the exam was done. i said "god dangit dad. now i can't take any credit if i pass. WHAT ABOUT MEEE"
60 days or less until the results. | | |
| my god. so today i was in the med room on the 6th floor just coming back from my lunch break. i LOVE LOVE LOVE the 6th floor. because the nursing staff is friendly and great and we all just get along together. we laugh together. they jokingly try to set me up with the nurses. i've offered to help a nurse go guitar shopping. they're usually pretty quick about getting things done, and they expect no less from us. great times. if i was ever bludgeoned by a construction worker, i'd ask the ambulance to take me to the hospital and only to be treated by ICU or 6th floor.
(as a back story, after 6 months i've switched from my pescetarian diet back to my normal diet, and really when i switched i went all out. i had all-you-can-eat korean bbq and then a 4th of july bbq with lots of meat, the leftovers of which i am still chipping away slowly at in my fridge, some of which i had for lunch today.
but my return to the red meat eating world is not without consequences. everytime after i eat i feel like my stomach hella hurts and i NEED to have a soda to settle my stomach. and of course because my bowels are becoming acclamated to all these new foreign proteins i'm also having a lot of gas... quantitywise a lot, and qualitywise it's unbearable. sometimes i'll wake up from a deep sleep because it smells so bad in my covers.)
anyway back to the 6th floor. so after lunch i came back feeling like i over-meated with meat sweats and meat and whatever else. and i figured... well.. what's just one. i let one go and then another and then another. of course i can't smell anything. but one of the nurses comes in and does.
"hey brian do you something weird?"
i was so caught off guard that i think i started to turn really red. i just kinda kept my eyes on my computer and didn't anything at first... then started to sniff, feigning perplexedness and furrowing my eyebrows. hmmmm... hmmm...??
"well if you can't smell it it's good, it smells like garbage. like someone threw away some bad-smelling garbage in here."
i felt SO BAD. that got damn med room. it's so tiny. and there is absolutely NO VENTILATION. it's like a STINKY ASS HOTBOX PRISON. so if something sits there, it sits there for hours. i felt so bad.
about 15 minutes later a technician came in, my coworker, and said, "BRIAN! i know what you did!"
i started to feel a guilty weight lifted off.
she thought that i had taken off my shoes which was emitting a smell.
but then she saw my shoes on.
then she started putting together the pieces of the puzzle......
"oh my god brian. once i opened the door it hit me. it's so terrible."
another coworker came by asking if someone sprayed a bunch of cheap cologne all over.
anyway, needless to say, i was so embarrassed that i sprayed air freshener all over (which only made it worse) then i just made a quiet exit and did my work elsewhere.
thus i will and can never revisit the 6th floor. | | |
| vacations
just finished my 2 back to back PTOs. one was spent in socal for dong's wedding and the other just hanging out at home and studying for BCPS. overall my time off can be summed up in bullet point form:
- a lot of joy
- a lot of reflecting
- a lot of downtime
- a lot of confusing-ass guidelines including STEMI treatment and rhythm vs rate control
- a lot of facebook
- a lot of sandal-tan
- a lot of chopped
vacation is a vice because once you have it you want more. and it doesn't help you appreciate your job only wish you didn't have to go back. ahha.
knowledge
studying for BCPS has been crazy. the more i study the more i realize how sloppy i am at arranging knowledge in my mind. if my brain were windows explorer, i think my mind could be split up into only 4 main folders:
- people's birthdays and names (1%)
- pharmacy stuff (4%)
- street fighter trivia (25%)
- STUFF ILL FIGURE OUT LATER (70%)
i think i generally just shove aside stuff i don't understand and hope to figure it out later. but humorously enough, later is usually when you're caught with your pants down during rounds when the doctors ask you for the evidence behind your recommendations, all because you didn't bother spending the time to figure it out earlier. i suppose it has to do with organization. growing up my dad always forewarned me to be more organized. and i think he was right.
i also realize that i rely heavily on friends' recommendations for things because sifting through a bunch of nerdy esoteric forums doesn't interest me. but i think there comes a time when every man should be responsible for what he has and what he does. knowledge is power.
money
money is also power. it really sucks to think of it this way. but there's so much i want to do.
- trim my tree
- landscape my fugly brown lawn
- hire a maid
- get married!........................ n stuff
- pay off student loans
- buy music equipment including an acoustic amp and a bunch of acoustic pedals including a loop pedal.
limited resources make everything harder.
pastries
so the other sunday i picked up a box of pastries before heading to church to give to the setup people. on my way from the parking lot i saw a dude who looked somewhat well dressed but was sleeping on the lawn. maybe homeless i didn't know. he shifted positions a couple times but had his eyes closed. while living here i've become increasingly hardened towards homeless people and even angered at times that they would ask me while i'm on the phone, or when i'm eating in a restaurant, or that they would ask me for cigarette money, then food money.
but i just felt this guy really needed a pastry so i introduced myself and shook his hand and asked his name. i gave him a blueberry coffee cake and thought nothing of it, but later i found out that because of the gesture he was curious about the service and stayed till the end to find me just to tell me he appreciated it. he really needed it as he was currently going through a rough time in his life. he described some domestic troubles including a girlfriend stealing his money and some police involvement... i was just glad to help and wished him luck. he told me that he came because he had sensed that i "had a good spirit".
the last time i heard this phrase was a couple months ago from a guy who, after giving 5 bucks to when he said he needed gas to travel 90+ miles home after visiting a relative dying from cancer, asked for more money for cigarettes for his girlfriend. that experience really left a sour taste in my mouth. i extremely hate being perceived as "the nice guy" because of the connotation of weakness. when homeless people approach me for money i purposely try to look badass and furrow my brow and look down, or i try to look really rushed or busy. i find that if i have my motorcycle gear i look even more bad ass and people approach me even less.
but times like this are good. and it makes me thank God that he wired me a certain way even if 99% of the time it feels like it only is to my detriment.
bruce lee
another extremely enlightening experience was a riveting conversation with a woman while on my lunch break.
(woman walks up to me while i'm sitting alone on a bench)
woman: (mutters something)
me: (pretends not to hear)
woman: (mutters more)
me: huh? excuse me?
woman: (eye contact with more muttering, maybe a foreign language)
me: (frustrated).. ok. i don't understand what you're asking me.
woman: (also frustrated)... are you... or are you not... bruce lee's son?
me: no. i am not bruce lee's son.
(woman continues to stand in front of me.. then wanders away) | | |
| i started writing an entry and realized that there's really nothing new in my life. so much so that, sadly, i think the last couple entries have been exactly the same, abiding by a predictable formula.
so, in the spirit of jest, and the jesty season of april fool's, and just looking at how sad and predictable my life is, i decided to write a xanga full of self-jesting and jestilicious jestery.
here is my ultimate formula for xanga for roughly the last year or two. enjoy!**
"homeownership
oh man i'm so accomplished for having a home and being only 26. and i'm going to showcase this in subtlety, by saying how hard it is to own a home and how hard it is to keep up with the additional responsibilities. in doing so it's a double-edged sword. it tells everyone i'm accomplished but humble and still in the process of growing up. super totally awesome. super totally awesome being ME.
"music
MAN. although i'm no longer in a band, and have not had any notably excellent musical output for 1.5-2 years, i still want everyone to know i'm still "working" on "my music" and that one day my ultimate goal is to make a cd. of course saying this brings me no closer to my goal. but i still want people to know i'm still awesome. look at my banjo. look at how ECCENTRIC i am. and how folkily experimental. totally awesome. awesome to the max.
"some hobby
now i'm going to talk about some eccentric habit i have like watching some obscure anime, or watching some obscure TV show. and talk about some aspect of it that makes me look observant and quirky and funny.
"some existential crisis
i also need to let people know that i'm soooo deep. because often times i'm way too funny and unable to express how i really feel in personal conversation because i'm so god damn awkward. therefore, i need to talk about some deep aspect of my life to showcase how much depth i have, like my fear of death, my feelings towards the homeless, or something about faith. thus, by people reading about me, they'll come to the realization that their friend brian is not only TOTALLY AWESOME but multi-layered, like a 5 pound bag of costco trail mix.
"some bit about friendships
there also needs to be some section where i apologize for being a miserable friend to everyone since my life is so randomly busy with work and other commitments. so i'll summarize it in this one section. maybe say something deep like "friendships are invaluable.. friendships are obscene"... and leave it open without interpretation.
"the woman
oh man. i'm so awesome for being in a relationship. and i look so bad-ass by calling irene "the woman" because it gives me a sense of dominance. hopefully nobody will notice that i'm totally totally whooped and that's the real truth.
"currently listening
now time to add an obscure artist that i'm listening to, so that people will see how obscure and eccentric i am, which, in the bay area and being in my late twenties, equates to totally bad-ass awesome.
**not emo | | |
| nothing huge lately. just checking into my xanga now that i have one extra occasional luoh reader....
it's really hard to check in and say anything significant. so many world events. so much great music about fried eggs or friday or something. the angry UCLA chick video. a lot going on. on a macroscale it just makes the things in my life seem small and insignificant.
i do have to say that recently with all this death and destruction i've been wondering what it'd be like to just die. like what if i died. like right now. i saw an episode of fringe today where a dude's "soul" or energy gets transferred into another host even after death. kinda funky stuff. it's just interesting to see this (pseudo)science have the same idea as religion. one calls it energy and another the soul. lately i'll just have these brief feelings that i'm dead... they sneak up on me out of nowhere.. like while i'm talking to a friend or driving somewhere or taking a dump. the feeling of not-existing. all black. it's kind of crazy. maybe it's my pescetarian diet or something. makes me take a hard look at what i believe. the scary though of a possibility of no afterlife that everyone faces, a thought that some just accept and move on. the last time i remember this feeling was when i was a wee 5 year old child... it was so real that i couldn't sleep and i would find my dad to comfort me.
edit: wait did i write about this recently? i probably did. oh well. i guess i still feel the same.
been listening to a lot of folk recently, which makes me just ITCHING to write good music. but nothing comes. like some ongoing musical constipation. the other day i was enjoying a warm cup of coffee and walking in the streets of emeryville several blocks away from the tracks when i heard a train pass by that made a crazy chord (EGBCD) using its whistle or horn or something. i was spellbound by this pulsing yet arhythmically random pattern, which eventually tailed off nicely after a minute or so due to the doppler effect. if inanimate objects make make beautiful, unintentional music, why can't i?
speaking of whistles, a throwback to my highschool years and ebaumsworld... the original "woo WOO!" video.
whooWHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
the best comment is:
Wow I think Bubb Rubb and Lil' Sis just set black people back 80 years. They should apologize to MLK. | | |
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